Media

C’MON LADS: Which man of Melbourne shall arise and make an honest woman of Suzy Carbone?

The Age’s 3000 columnist Suzanne Carbone entered into prohibited territory at her ailing Fairfax employer and bravely and patriotically gave Melbourne Talk Radio MTR1377 a plug, celebrating our on-air arrival on Sunday at midday.

Very kind and gracious of her. And smart too as the MTR1377 will be booming along loud and proud, long after The Age’s Tullamarine printing presses have been sold to the Church of Scientology.

Suzy also broke news that will be a shock to my Brunswick landlord and also possibly to my in-laws. It was pleasing though for my vast past albeit sadly brief generosity to be chronicled in such sympathetic terms.

In the past, in another era, our predecessor publication said some dreadful things about Ms Carbone, even descending into New Idea style pregnancy scares and all sorts. Not cool.

Only later did we compute that it wasn’t Suzanne who was the problem but that vicious, Viagra-munching convicted criminal Lawrence Money who who “shared” the Age’s gossip column.

Money was always worried that Carbone looked better, could certainly write better and didn’t have old man smell unless she’d been invited to coffee again by then Fairfax Chairman Ron Walker. His envy spurred him on to new heights of malice and racial prejudice that very nearly saw a Bollywood style party outside his lovely home in Kensington.

By all accounts, “Dirty Larry” didn’t play nicely with the chip on his shoulder being rivalled for weight only by his mountainous pile of dandruff. He is now left twiddling his thumbs, writing grouchy columns about grouchy people for the RACV magazine and such.

Oh yes, they were the days.

If Larry gets any grouchier and older, he’d nearly qualify to be broadcast on 3AW, Fairfax’s Alzheimers suffering right-wing radio station that is currently enduring massive technical difficulties in their new digs in The Age building. Callers are being cut off regularly and it’s all a big mess from what we hear inside the Soviet.

Now, after seeing off Dirty Larry, Suzy is a new woman and is looking a million dollars, a number approaching what The Age are paying her these days and good luck to her for copping a lot more than the proletariat lefty screen-jockeys who comprise their modern-looking but culturally stuck-in-the-70s newsroom.

There can be no question, and we will accept no correspondence on the issue, that Suzanne Carbone is most surely the most glamorous, well-groomed, prosperous and intriguing single woman in all of Victoria.

And sadly, when we last shared a champagne cocktail, Suzy confided in VEXNEWS that she was on the hunt for a bloke and that no current prospects were measuring up adequately.

I offered to hook her up with a group we shall know only as “Men of Minstaff” but she didn’t look tempted. Outside the business section of The Age and a couple of guards, there’s no-one any where near manly enough at her workplace to step up. “Don’t screw the crew” is apparently Suzy’s wise motto.

The man-free Suzy is a demand-supply mismatch of a magnitude unknown since the crash of mortgage-backed securities.

And it must be put right. And that’s what VEXNEWS does, we right wrongs on the information superhighway.

So we call all eligible bachelor patriots– even disgraced former Cleo ones who’ve had occasional issues with regulators– to immediately make their intentions known and fill Suzy’s dance card. Stat.

By all accounts, it could be the ride of your life, with the glittering array of cocktail parties and opening nights that Suzy has to drag herself off to, with gruelling glasses of Krug to sip and mountains of canapes to chew through.

This is clearly a stupid waste of a plus one. Let’s go lads.

Gentleman callers should please make themselves known to one of Suzy’s assistants at scarbone@theage.com.au. There’ll be an initial interview, 148 page questionnaire to complete and for any employees of the Fairfax group, a blood test.

Nostalgically, we fondly recall those days when we would have put up her mobile phone number too (it starts 0402 787 something or other) but I suspect we’re better off not doing that in the interests of decorum and because the GSM system itself could possibly be in jeopardy from the strain of so many inquiries.

Game on.

© 2010 VEXNEWS © 2013.