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RUFF TIMES: Monsters battle for Our Kate’s soul

POP sensation Justin Bieber will mediate between feuding UK vampire and werewolf factions in the hope of averting a supernatural war that could unhinge the Royal Wedding in London next week.

VEXNEWS’ London Investigations Unit can exclusively reveal a centuries old pact between British vampires and werewolves could be broken by the upcoming marriage of Prince William to alleged lycanthrope Kate Middleton.

Vampire sources claims Miss Middleton is a full-blooded werewolf and by marrying the heir to the throne will violate a 500-year old agreement.

“After the disastrous reigns of Charles I and Oliver Cromwell, it was agreed no vampire or werewolf would seek the throne of England,” a leading expert in monster relations revealed this week.

Werewolf sources say Kate Middleton, 29, is a non-practising lycanthrope and therefore should not be stopped from marrying into the Windsor dynasty.

But many vampires are unconvinced, with one bloodsucker suggesting that Miss Middleton may attempt to “transform into a mighty flesh-craving wolf beast on her wedding night and plunge the kingdom into centuries of bestial darkness”.

Those in the know say tensions between the supernatural communities are at their highest since 1937 when King Edward VIII was forced to abdicate over his relationship with American-born vampire Wallis Simpson.

The need for intervention increased this week when a dissident – yet influential – wolf pack leader claimed that Prince William had “experimented with recreational vampirism” during his college days at St Andrews.

Justin Bieber will mediate between leaders of The League of British Vampires and Ancient Lycanthropic Society at an undisclosed location this weekend to seek a compromise.

Vampire and werewolf sources welcomed the intervention, saying the Canadian teen sensation was a widely-respected figure in both communities.

Clarence House or the Home Office have yet to officially comment on the issue, however, a leading pundit lamented today: “We wouldn’t be having this problem if Wills married one of his cousins and kept it in his own bloodline.”

NOTE: While the Crimes Act does not ban being a vampire or werewolf, the feasting on human flesh and the non-consensual drinking of blood from the necks of the living is illegal under UK law.



Comments are disallowed for this post.

  1. Rick Garotti is a dirty rat

    Posted by Anonymous | April 22, 2011, 2:33
  2. Garotti is finished. He’ll get nothing from any faction.

    Posted by Anonymous | April 22, 2011, 10:18
  3. I thought this was VEXNEWS not Weekly World News.

    Posted by MC | April 22, 2011, 13:16
  4. I am not sure I needed to know all these gory details ….. at least we know that Prince Charles is neither a werewolf or a vampire. He is a vegetarian, isn’t he?

    Posted by Giuseppe De Simone | April 22, 2011, 13:18
  5. Another VEXNEWS first! The editors at Fortean Times must be kicking themselves for missing this story.

    Posted by Gregoryno6 | April 22, 2011, 21:38
  6. Pick up your game vex!

    Posted by Anonymous | April 23, 2011, 1:00
  7. Is the author a fan of the Twilight series and other vampire-themed fantasy books? Okay, fair enough. I’m not here to condemn.

    But what’s happening in SA with one Labor MP and his internet history? Perhaps a story on global warming scams, sucking the blood out of the Australian economy? For international news: What about the downfall of Labour in the UK?

    Posted by Ben | April 23, 2011, 18:40
  8. I like sucking too….but not blood.

    Posted by Cr Craig | April 24, 2011, 13:07
  9. Speaking of sucking, I wonder what Rick the Rat is up to for the long weekend?

    Posted by Anon | April 26, 2011, 14:35
  10. Am I the only one who thinks (not so) sweet Kate has the perfect lips for a domanatrix!

    Posted by The Cad | April 26, 2011, 18:25
  11. The rodent was spotted kissing fatso’s posterior who was in turn kissing the rear end of the future patron saint of yellow cake. A congo line of shame.

    Posted by Anonymous | April 26, 2011, 19:27
  12. Who cares about recent SDA converts fatso and the rodent…let’s have the details on the card carrying SDA hero in Sou th A ustralia.

    Has another moral guardian fallen or was he framed?

    Posted by yawn yawn yawn | April 26, 2011, 20:22
  13. Ben asks: what’s happening in SA with one Labor MP and his internet history?

    It is a long story no doubt but in short it is what happens when the SDA calls the shots.

    Posted by Devout | April 26, 2011, 20:27
  14. re: Anonymous | April 26, 2011, 19:27

    WAKE UP FOOL. Stop doing the Greens dirty work.

    Posted by Anon | April 26, 2011, 20:30
  15. Oh ricky you’re so fine
    you blow my mind oh ricky

    Posted by Phatso | April 26, 2011, 20:35
  16. Grow up. We know who you are.

    Posted by Anon | April 26, 2011, 20:58
  17. Here’s a hot tip doing the rounds – the serial Melton Mayor will help get comrade and mentor Seitz up in Brimbank elections in 2012.

    Question is: which federal Member will fund the mailouts.
    No money on Carr’s office at this point (the Melton Mayor’s former employer} but the smart money is on one Federal member keen to repay the short cons.

    Posted by Western punter | April 26, 2011, 21:41
  18. George Sietz is set to run for Brimbank council in 2012. Robin and Justin can’t wait to bring George back. Community builders one and all.

    Posted by George fan club | April 26, 2011, 22:02
  19. George I will donate $1000 dollars….umm it is tax deduction isn’t it?

    Posted by community builder | April 26, 2011, 22:03
  20. Sorry Michael it is not a tax deduction at council level.
    You may need to review last years tax return.

    Posted by taxman | April 26, 2011, 22:05
  21. George I will never forget the debts I owe. Go George.

    Posted by Marlean | April 26, 2011, 22:06
  22. Stevie and I am here to help as you know – but let’s do the mailout at Feeney’s – the locals are feral here.

    Posted by Robin | April 26, 2011, 22:08
  23. There will be no mailouts from my office.

    Posted by Fatso 2 | April 26, 2011, 22:09
  24. That is good Fatos 2 because the last mailout you did went to the wrong ward.

    Posted by save the trees | April 26, 2011, 22:10
  25. Gee Langdon is back in local government in Banyule and Seitz is sure bet to win in Brimbank with his knowledge of local support candidates….can it get any better for Labor….why doesn’t Leighton run in Darebin?

    That would be a democratic trifecta that Labor would be proud of.

    Posted by trifecta | April 26, 2011, 22:13
  26. Micheal if you are splashing the cash around please remember you still owe your half of the memberships….

    Posted by out of pocket | April 26, 2011, 22:16
  27. Will Rick get a spot? or will he be campaign manager?

    Posted by true believer | April 26, 2011, 22:18
  28. The Liberals would love Sietz to be back in Brimbank…an ongoing reminder to not vote labor.

    Posted by true believer | April 26, 2011, 22:22
  29. Oh Nahzir will I ever get Ivanhoe, Jagajaga or the upper house I am just dying to get my woggy mits on a seat in a Parliament

    Posted by Rick the Rat | April 26, 2011, 23:00
  30. Re last comment.
    Does this site have any moderation?

    Posted by Anon | April 26, 2011, 23:23
  31. Yes my son I am a man of my word.
    But first we must help George retake Brimbank – the whole party will thanks us for this noble deed.

    Posted by Fatso | April 26, 2011, 23:27
  32. Coming to a cinema near you…BRIMBANK 2….more dodgy community groups…more colorful characters…more questionable grants and fun all around from a cast of familiar factional hacks and has beens complete with council credit cards and with scores to settle.
    More spills and more thrills than Brimbank 1. Starring GEORGE THE COMMUNITY BUILDER with special guest appearances from current and past Labor MPs.

    Book early to avoid disappointment (that goes for you too Mr Ombudsman).

    Posted by Anon | April 26, 2011, 23:36
  33. No one needs a Sietz-run Brimbank but now doubt the Members for Preston and Koroit will make sure it happens.

    Posted by Anon | April 26, 2011, 23:46
  34. Apart from the racism, which triggers serious legal issues, all boys and girls posting here should be aware that they are not anonymous.

    Posting on the internet can be like placing a sign at the front of your house.

    It is relatively simple for an unhappy party to obtain your identity. There are even companies which specialize in such services. And there have been unfortunate individuals who have found this out the hard way.

    So if you are unwilling to put something into a signed letter don’t post it online.

    Posted by Anon is not anon | April 26, 2011, 23:47
  35. Thanks for that wisdom “anon is not anon” you fuckknob. You have no idea who we are and we will continue to reveal the dirty Rat acts of Rick Garotti until the truth reigns free

    Posted by Anon is not anon is instead a fuckknob | April 27, 2011, 23:32